Thursday, September 25, 2008

Nostalgia Alert: To All the (Gay) Boys I've Loved Before...


In light of the turmoil The Claymates are experiencing right now, I thought I would post something dedicated to them.

I used to have a habit of falling in love with gay boys. This one's for them.

The first gay boy I ever had a crush on was Jason. We met at an infamous Dan party when I was 15, and I was smitten. We danced all night long and I had butterflies in my belly when he asked me to walk him to his car to say goodnight. He gave me his phone number and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I think I grinned for the entire three days following. Then, he dropped the bomb. Or rather, my friends dropped the bomb on me (baby). Jay went to a different school, but word quickly got around that the boy I was dreaming was going to be my boyfriend was a homosexual. A homophobic girl in pink corduroys told me, "stay away from him. His lifestyle is gross." He was 16, how much of a "lifestyle" could he have cultivated? I ignored the bigots (see I was a dissenter even then) and accepted Jason and his friendship, always holding out hope that he would decide he loved boobs (and I had a great rack by all accounts) and wanted to have me for his girlfriend. It didn't work out that way. I took him to my sophomore semi-formal and he showed up in a suit the EXACT same color of teal as my dress (hey it was the early 90s). Things quickly went downhill from there and we gradually stopped spending time together. The last time I ran into him was at an AIDS dance-a-thon benefit, he was with his boyfriend. Sigh...

The next boy on the list, was actually a boy who fell for me, sorta. He is my friend Ali and we had been friends for a while, when out of the blue he asked that same homophobic girl in pink corduroys to ask me out. Now, I think he was either a junior or senior at the time and it struck me funny that we had a go between to do the asking. Now, I loved Ali, but there was no denying he was gay. I never had a crush on him because I knew going in, "This boy is gay." He didn't realize it at the time, but I think we all knew. I told him no, and we remained amazing friends. I regret that he asked me to his senior prom and I turned him down and made him ask another girl who he had a "crush" on, who ended up ruining his night. I couldn't get past the fact that he had once had a crush on me and I didn't want to lead him on. God, I was an idiot! When I moved to Michigan 9 years ago, Ali told me he had some news he needed to share with me before he left. We got together and he solemnly told me he had just discovered he was gay! At the time he was 21 and I had known him for about 9 years and in all the time I had never suspected anything else. When I told him that I already knew, it didn't go over well. He eventually moved to NY and leads the life he has always wanted. He is a success as a gay man, in a way he could never be in the closet. He is amazing and I am so proud of him for facing himself and choosing to be happy. He spends hours with his friends dissecting figure skating in great detail and developing his own cabaret shows (and he is much cooler than that statement makes him sound).

The last one, is the one that was the most painful, because I was in LOVE with this boy. We were the stars in our senior musical and Andy and I hit it off right away, despite never having said a word to each other before. From the first day of rehearsal I felt like this boy was destine to be in my life. I was flirting and blushing and being saucy and he played right along. One night we slept over at the home of a mutual friend and we ended up sharing a room alone that night. Whispering in the dark he told me he was gay. I felt my heart drop to my toes and I was so thankful that he couldn't see the tears slip down my cheeks in the dark. He told me he knew how I felt and he was sorry, which really didn't help me much, but the sentiment was nice. I mean can a teenage girl get a fucking break here or what?? Like your ego isn't minute enough as a teenager, exactly what you need is to keep falling in love with boys who only want to fall in love with boys!! I was in a miserable funk for weeks and finally knew what in meant to have a broken heart. My friend Rachael, who is the most wonderful shit, sent me the most fantastic note that I still remember to this...

"I know it hurts. You really need a girly night. We will go to Denny's, smoke and then come back to my house and get drunk and cry."

Yup, exactly what the doctor ordered. It was one of the best girl bonding nights I ever had and it really did help me get over my crush. We remained friends and continued to be perverted and immature and I never felt an ounce of attraction after that. I did however begin to think I was only ever going to like gay boys and was going to be a life long hag.

Lucky for me, the same summer all of my friends, gay and straight (there were a few) were planning their college careers I met the man who would become my husband. We are 13 years in and he hasn't come out yet. I am holding out hope that this one might last.

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2 People Are Feeling Nostalgic:

|s|h|a|r|o|n| said...

It was like reading a diary from my own teenage dating life...I am a millimeter away from asking if your mother is Korean and your dad a Jew, because damnit...this right here is a doppelganger of life!

Susie said...

What a beautifully written post. I guess we all have some heartbreak in our pasts. And I'm glad your husband is still in the closet! LOL